Candidates court the fatass vote

April 18, 2008 at 5:29 pm (Commentary, Food, New York) (, , , , )

What’s for Dinner? – NY Times

Corporate marketing brought us the scourge of consumer profiling, politics falsehoods of empty paternalistic vagaries about how government can save us wretches from the crushing drudgery of our sordid, meaningless existence. Now the Times, in the something-hundredth entry in their fire-hydrant torrent of self-indulgent verbal diarrhea about the election of our next presidential failure, proudly announces the intersection of the two in this tiresome, fetid excuse for journalistic relevance.

A few gems:

If what we eat says a lot about who we are, it also says something about how we might vote.

America elects its own. Taft got his bovine ass stuck in a bathtub. Nixon lied about shit. Clinton got blowjobs at the office, and all his friends are in jail. Bush? Love him or hate him, the dude’s wiped out a hell of a lot of Arabs. Yeah, these sound like the aspirations of most Americans. So what does food say? Nothing. Morbid obesity knows no political party. Just ask Denny Hastert or Sally Struthers.

Although precincts and polls are being parsed, the political advisers to the presidential candidates are also looking closely at consumer behavior

This they are, mein freund. This they are.

Political strategists slice and dice the electorate into small segments, starting with traditional demographics like age and income, then mixing consumer information like whether you prefer casinos or cruises, hunting or cooking, a Prius or a pickup.

Mob lynchings or assassinations.

“This is essentially the way Williams-Sonoma knows which of its catalogs to send you,” said Christopher Mann of MSHC Partners, a political communications firm

Way to brand yourself dude. Let me guess, you are piloting an Escalade through north Dallas on your way to a middle school softball game, with a Panini in one hand, your blackberry in another and wrap-around sunglasses with a sport string. Can I get an A-MAYUN from the congregation???

For example, Dr Pepper is a Republican soda. Pepsi-Cola and Sprite are Democratic. So are most clear liquors, like gin and vodka, along with white wine and Evian water. Republicans skew toward brown liquors like bourbon or scotch, red wine and Fiji water.

Blacks like Courvoisier. Gays like Smirnoff Ice. Sally Struthers likes milkshakes. Isn’t this fun?

Mr. Navin offers an example from his firm’s ongoing survey that periodically asks 1,800 people in-depth questions about their lives.

Like, what do I think about when I jack off? Sheep=votes republican. Catholic choirboys=democrat. Black male crack-whores=evangelical preachers.

In last summer’s polling, the latest available, Mrs. Clinton scored high among voters who also had favorable views of McDonalds, Wal-Mart and Starbucks.

You can take the woman out of Arkansas, but…

Although Mr. Penn, who claims credit for coining the term “soccer mom,”

The Nobel Institute misses another one.

Send an environmental message to the conservative and you could lose her vote.

Vote losers for conservatives would also be the support of black suffrage, elimination of the “colored” balcony at movie theaters, and legal permission for women to show their bare ankles in public.

The oysters are coated with corn flour, gently fried and then slipped back into their shells and covered with an adventurous, Morrocan-style sauce seasoned with ground whole lemons, garlic, cayenne and paprika. It’s the ultimate crossover dish, and she believes it’s popular this year because voters are being pulled in several directions.

How about a rare hamburger on rosemary focaccia, with a side of ginger-braised aborted fetus?


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