Welcome to the Douchebag Dormitory

April 17, 2008 at 9:22 pm (Douchebag Dormitory, New York, Wall Street) (, , , , , )

In the wind-swept corridors of lower Manhattan, there is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to all decent peoples, as vast as space, as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between the FDR and West Side Highway, between boundless irrationality and the sobriety of fundamental analysis, and it lies in the pregnant gap between man’s failures and the summit of his trading success.

It is an area which we call the Douchebag Dormitory, home to an eclectic band of derivative analysts, ivy-league underachievers, and desperate socio-educational climbers. This is a place of congress for society’s outcast, a gilded wonderland of floor lights, lazy doormen, and institutionally-controlled ambience music.

The lights are much brighter there; you can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, so go DOWNTOWN: where all the lights are bright, DOWNTOWN: waiting for you tonight, DOWNTOWN: you’re gonna be alright, now.

Just take the 1 to Rector, but ignore those sinister directives about being in the first five cars. Surface at great risk to your innocence and you will see The Four Corners of American indulgence, featuring the confluence of carnal lust (Pussycat Lounge…”what’s new?”), gluttony (dios mio!), consumerism (“An informed consumer is our best customer”) and, to top it all off, the towering monument to Wall Street bravado that is The Dorm.

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